We are clay in the hands of Jesus

My Testimony

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

It all began with my birth in Russia to some unknown couple.  I don’t know who they were, their names, and I have never ever met them.  I was placed in an Orphanage and stayed there until I was four years old.  I was adopted by American parents and moved to the United States to live a better life. I have known about Christ ever since I came to America and have always seemed to have believed.  I had a pretty difficult time going to school as I spoke Russian and didn’t know much.  But I was never made fun of for being different or weird because I had the opportunity to go to a private school. I first truly accepted Christ at my 6th grade camp, and boy, was it ever amazing.  I had never known what God had really felt till He came into my hear that Thursday night.  But high school came around, and the tough times really came and went and came and went.  I had the privilege to go to another private high school, so for the most part, it was a good experience.  What I really want to share came the end of my Junior year.  That was when I first began to have feelings of self worthlessness and low self esteem. It was to the point where I wanted to hurt myself, I just didn’t know how.  I felt so much pressure with everything I was doing and trying to live up to people’s expectations for me.  Then I was able to attend the NYC in NOLA that summer and felt saved again by Christ and loved.  It was such a relief to know someone had worth for me.  Then came senior year.  Most people would tell you I was the star of the basketball team (All Glory to God for that).  I was really looking to have a great season because I had interest in from colleges and wanted to have the chance to get some good money for school.  But that was not God’s plan. 

It was a Friday night and we were playing against a team that I had once played for.  It was the first minute into the game.  I was chasing a girl who had the ball down the line.  I saw that she was about to pass it, so I jumped in front to try and block it, and landed to a big POP.

I was taken out of the game because of all the pain I felt.  I was taken to the ER and later found out I tore my ACL and MCL.  It was the most devastating thing I ever heard.  In March, I had surgery to reconstruct my ACL, because it literally did not exist anymore, that’s how bad it was.  I didn’t even get to play a league game my senior year of basketball, and my team barely went far in play-offs, when we had a good chance of winning it all.  

I began to feel worthless again, because most of my identity (playing sports) was taken away.  I would cry on the bus ride home and felt so lonely.  I was so mad at God for doing this to me.  I was so frustrated at myself and just began hating myself for everything.  It was a Wednesday night and I had just had enough.  I was in the shower and had my razor.  I don’t know what I was thinking, but started scraping it against my arm, eventually going straight to slashes. 

It was the worst thing I ever did and I regret it to this day.  The scars are still visible, many months later.  Needless to say, I told some friends how I felt and what I did, and they forced me to tell my parents.  That was the hardest thing to ever do and both my parents pretty much cried, along with me.  I started going to therapy once a week to begun to figure out how to deal with coping and self hate.

I still struggle with the feelings, but I am learning to love God and myself more.  I pray every night that God show me myself the way He sees me, because I DO know that He created me and sees me as a beautiful person both inside and out.  I wait now, hoping someday, I will love myself like I once did.  I work on it every day.

So, today I am running, jumping, and doing most normal things.  I thank God my knee is healing, and can’t wait to get back to what I love doing.

Though many more things have transpired, I am still holding on to my Rock, Jesus.  I am currently going through Bulimia, self harm, and a traumatic event, but I know my God saves, and that I am held dearly in His hands.

And I thank Him that He continues to love and cherish me every single day.  I hope to do the same until I die.

That’s my testimony.  If you want more information or have questions, feel free to ask me. 

Thank you and God Bless Always,

His Forever and Always.

Leera